When a humorist ventures upon the grave concerns of life he must do his job better than another man or he works harm to his cause.

When a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.

When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without further introduction .

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble .

When all is said and done, the one sole condition that makes spiritual happiness and preserves it is the absence of doubt.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

When congress is in session no American is safe.

When I reflect upon the number ofdisagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn't want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years.