I’ve been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm sorry, my good fellow, but all my money is tied up in currency.

It ain’t a fit night out for man or beast.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.