Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me “I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch.”

I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing wrong about going to bed with a good book…or a friend who’s read one.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I don’t know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn’t see it coming. It hit me in the rear.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.