If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad—but New York City?

My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Take my wife—please!