(a) How much did you make last year? (b) How much have you got left? (c) Send (b).

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I had my credit card stolen, but I didn't report it because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I was so horrified when I read about the effects of smoking that I gave up reading.

I wish my son would learn a trade. At least we'd know what kind of work he's out of.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 41 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

I’ve called my car Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.