Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I drink, therefore I am.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I never drink water, because fish fuck in it.

I never met a kid I liked.

I’d rather have two girls at 21 each, than one girl at 42.