[ Sam Bisbee, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] It’s a funny old world—a man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

[ The Great Man, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. ’Tis the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

[ When asked whether he liked children :] I do if they’re properly cooked!

Fish fuck in it.

Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.