I hate women because they always know where things are.

The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody's guess.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.

Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Humour is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.