Enquanto a chuva cai na relva fina,
rezamos por novos dias.
No conforto do silêncio, 
encontramos força para caminhar 
mais algumas milhas.
Seu rosto familiar
se enche de esperança,
confortando meu pálido coração, 
que é tão teimoso
tão convencido
tão forte, ainda assim, 
tão fraco.

Mais uma vez eu começo. 

Começo meu dia com a intenção de fazer algo diferente do que eu fiz ontem, por menor que seja.

Levantar da cama sem encostar no celular, pisar no chão com o pé esquerdo ao invés do direito, fazer um penteado diferente, quem sabe até colocar mais paixão na hora de fazer meu café. 

Quando o relógio bate às 23:00, eu faço uma promessa, juro para mim mesma que amanhã farei as coisas de um jeito diferente e, para enfatizar, deixo claro que se essa promessa for descumprida as consequências serão severas. 

Mais uma vez eu começo.

Algo sobrenatural parece acontecer enquanto eu dormia, pois acordo sem nenhum resquício de lembrança da tal promessa. 

Faço as coisas, mais uma vez, do mesmo jeito que faço há cinco anos.

Quando finalmente lembro da promessa que fiz, já é tarde demais, preciso esperar o relógio bater às 23:00 novamente para que uma nova promessa possa ser feita. 

Já são 23:00, faço a promessa. 

Antes de partir para mais um dia, eu respiro fundo, faço o máximo que posso para coletar inspiração e energia de qualquer coisa que aparecer em minha frente e imploro para mim mesma para que, pelo menos hoje, façamos alguma coisa diferente.

Mais uma vez, eu começo.

the window in my room
looks at me, I look at it. 
we seem to talk, but without words.
we talk about everything, but when I ask:
"will it get better?" 
all I hear is silence. 
it feels safe, but is not peaceful at all.

When I grow up I want to be tall, people respect you when you’re tall. When I grow up I want to get a chanel haircut, I can’t do it now because everybody knows that it only looks good when you have a grown woman face. When I grow up, I don’t want to be afraid of the dark. When I grow up, I don’t want to be scared of heights. I want to be adventurous! 
I hope my parents have become tired of fighting when I grow up. 
I hope I’m not this sad when I grow up, I really do! 
I hope to make amends with my kind of beauty when I grow up. 
I hope I learn to control my anger when my little brother is trying to annoy me by vandalizing my books. Actually, I think I have the right to be mad at this one! 
When I grow up, I hope to be totally nonchalant about other people’s opinion on me. When I grow up I don’t want to be censured for liking girl things, I want to like them freely. 
When I grow up, I don’t want to be punished by my parents behavior, I don’t want to cry myself to sleep because of them. I don’t want to be trapped in an endless cycle. When I grow up I want to stop blaming my mother, I want to understand her, even if it’s impossible to fathom all the events that followed me here. 
When I grow up I don’t want to be sexualized with disgusting comments disguised as compliments. 
When I grow up, I want to be heard, I want to be heard with respect by my relatives. When I grow up, I hope the embarrassment (that is only experienced by a girl, coming from male relatives) stop happening to me! Nothing in the world can justify this hideous behavior, and all we can do is smile and pretend that everything is alright. I don’t want to be humiliated for being a girl. 
As I say these words, as I write them down, I can feel that is a distant dream. So distant that it can only be imagined by a little girl, someone naive enough to believe that one day all of these wishes perhaps become real. When you grow up and realize that, all there’s left is sadness. 
I’m not naive, I grew up, and all of my wishes haven’t turned into reality. Although I can proudly say that, I’m not afraid of the dark anymore.

I love the picture because it was You who paited it. 
I'm not afraid of the rain because I know You are in it. 
I know You care for me because when I need You, You reach out and take me into your embrace. 
I don't sink with the chaos because I know that You are in control of everything, absolutely everything. 
I admire the beauty of the universe and the care of The Creator for his work. 
How beautiful, the care of The Creator.

the golden age.
the brightest state of mind, girlhood.
sparkling hopes while glitching in desperate. 
feeling good, feeling awful, changing ideas at every couting second. 
"I can do this!" 
"I absolutly cannot do this." 
relationships making me feel sick, 
falling down the rabbit hole. 
I should have known better. 
how can I be wise if I don't feel prepared? 
how can I be something, I am too tiny.