Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

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Happiness is finding two olives in your martini when you're hungry.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

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He’s so fat, he can be his own running mate.

I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

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I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

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