I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.

It’s so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.