[ Remark to Alexander Woollcott after attending an unsuccessful revival of Maeterlinck’s play Aglavaine and Selysette:] There is less in this than meets the eye.

Cocaine habit-forming? Of course not. I ought to know. I’ve been using it for years.

I don’t know what I am, darling. I’ve tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic. And the others give me either stiff neck or lockjaw.

I read Shakespeare and the Bible and I can shoot dice. That’s what I call a liberal education.

I thought I told you to wait in the car.

I’m as pure as the driven slush.