Quotes to inspire and reflect

The pig is taught by sermons and epistles

Piety, n . Reverence for the Supreme Being, based on His supposed resemblance to man.

Patriotism, n . . . . In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

Penitent, adj . Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

Patriot, n . One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.

Past, n . That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. . . . Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one—the knowledge and the dream.

Palmistry, n . The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw’s classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in “reading character” in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word “dupe.” The imposture consists in not reading it aloud.

Palace, n . A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress.

Pain, n . An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

Outdo, v.t . To make an enemy.

The opera performer apes an ape.

Orphan, n . A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude.

The actor apes a man—at least in shape;

Opera, n . A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures, and no postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word simulation is from simia , an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his model Simia audibilis (or Pithecanthropos stentor )—the ape that howls.

Oath, n . In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.

Ocean, n . A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man—who has no gills.

Manna, n . A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants.

Mythology, n . The body of a primitive people’s beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities, and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.

Mammon, n . The god of the world’s leading religion. His chief temple is in the holy city of New York.

Mad, adj . Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual.

Literally, adv . Figuratively, as: “The pond was literally full of fish”; “The ground was literally alive with snakes,” etc.

Liar, n . A lawyer with a roving commission.

Lexicographer, n . A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility, and mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his dictionary, comes to be considered “as one having authority,” whereas his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statute.

Legislator, n . A person who goes to the capital of his country to increase his own; one who makes laws and money.

Lawful, adj . Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.

Labor, n . One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

Joy, n . An emotion variously excited, but in its highest degree arising from the contemplation of grief in another.

Interpreter, n . One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said.

Impunity, n . Wealth.

Inhumanity, n . One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

Idolator, n . One who professes a religion which we do not believe, with a symbolism different from our own. A person who thinks more of an image on a pedestal than of an image on a coin.

Immigrant, n . An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

Homesick, adj . Dead broke abroad.

Historian, n . A broad-gauge gossip.

Haughty, adj . Proud and disdainful, like a waiter.

Hatred, n . A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s success or superiority.

Harmonists, n . A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.

Gum, n . A substance greatly used by young women in place of a contented spirit and religious consolation.

Gratitude, n . A sentiment lying midway between a benefit received and a benefit expected.

Gold, n . A yellow metal greatly prized for its convenience in the various kinds of robbery known as trade. The word was formerly spelled “God”—the l was inserted to distinguish it from the name of another and inferior deity.

Genuine, adj . Real, veritable, as, A genuine counterfeit, Genuine hypocrisy, etc.

Generous, adj . Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature, and is taking a bit of a rest.

Forefinger, n . The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.

Friendless, n . Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

Fidelity, n . A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Forbidden, pp . Invested with a new and irresistible charm.

Expediency, n . The father of all the virtues.

Eucharist, n . A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.