An epigram is a gag that’s played Carnegie Hall.

I am no more humble than my talents require.

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.

Happiness isn't something you experience it's something you remember.

I have no trouble with my enemies. But my goddam friends, they are the ones that keep me walking the floor nights.

When you give up drinking, you have to deal with that wonderful personality that started you drinking in the first place.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.