Wilson Mizner

Wilson Mizner . . . recalls his embarrassment when he first came into the world, and found a woman in bed with him.

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Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.

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I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.

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You sparkle with larceny.

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You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.

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[ On his deathbed, telling a priest he had no need to speak with him :] I’ve been talking to your boss, Father.

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Hello, sucker!

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Be kind to everyone on the way up; you’ll meet the same people on the way down.

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A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

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Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

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To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

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The worst-tempered people I've ever met were the people who knew they were wrong.

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The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

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Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.

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The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

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Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

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Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

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I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your effort to believe it.

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When you take stuff from one writer, it’s plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers it’s research.

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A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something.

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I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

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In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

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Working for Warner Bros is like fucking a porcupine - it's a hundred pricks against one.

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The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

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I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

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If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism;

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Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll meet ’em on your way down.

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If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism. If you steal from many, it’s research.

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