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Marcus Valerius Martialis

Marcus Valerius Martialis

The virtuous man is never

The virtuous man is never a novice in worldly things.
57
Thomas Babington Macaulay

Thomas Babington Macaulay

We must judge a government

We must judge a government by its general tendencies and not by its happy accidents.
36
Thomas Babington Macaulay

Thomas Babington Macaulay

Logicians may reason about abstractions.

Logicians may reason about abstractions. But the great mass of men must have images. The strong tendency of the multitude in all ages and nations to idolatry can be explained on no other principle.
45
Jack Handey

Jack Handey

Instead of putting a quarter

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone That way, he learns that 'wishing' isn't going to save our national forests.
42
David Joseph Schwartz

David Joseph Schwartz

All great achievements require time.

All great achievements require time.
34
Thomas Babington Macaulay

Thomas Babington Macaulay

Turn where we may, within,

Turn where we may, within, around, the voice of great events is proclaiming to us, Reform, that you may preserve!
49
Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I used to work in

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
14
Thomas Babington Macaulay

Thomas Babington Macaulay

Time advances: facts accumulate; doubts

Time advances: facts accumulate; doubts arise. Faint glimpses of truth begin to appear, and shine more and more unto the perfect day. The highest intellects, like the tops of mountains, are the first to catch and to reflect the dawn. They are bright, while the level below is still in darkness. But soon the light, which at first illuminated only the loftiest eminences, descends on the plain, and penetrates to the deepest valley. First come hints, then fragments of systems, then defective systems, then complete and harmonious systems. The sound opinion, held for a time by one bold speculator, becomes the opinion of a small minority, of a strong minority, of a majority of mankind. Thus, the great progress goes on.
69
Marcus Valerius Martialis

Marcus Valerius Martialis

Why do strong arms fatigue

Why do strong arms fatigue themselves with frivolous dumbbells To dig a vineyard is worthier exercise for men.
44
Thomas Babington Macaulay

Thomas Babington Macaulay

Language, the machine of the

Language, the machine of the poet, is best fitted for his purpose in its rudest state. Nations, like individuals, first perceive, and then abstract. They advance from particular images to general terms. Hence the vocabulary of an enlightened society is philosophical, that of a half-civilized people is poetical.
51
Thomas Babington Macaulay

Thomas Babington Macaulay

Your Constitution is all sail

Your Constitution is all sail and no anchor.
67
Jack Handey

Jack Handey

I think the mistake a

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend.'
16
Thomas Babington Macaulay

Thomas Babington Macaulay

A church is disaffected when

A church is disaffected when it is persecuted, quiet when it is tolerated, and actively loyal when it is favored and cherished.
53
David Joseph Schwartz

David Joseph Schwartz

The test of a successful

The test of a successful person is not an ability to eliminate all problems before they arise, but to meet and work out difficulties when they do arise. We must be willing to make an intelligent compromise with perfection lest we wait forever before taking action. It's still good advice to cross bridges as we come to them.
26
Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
35
Heraclitus

Heraclitus

A man's character is his

A man's character is his guardian divinity.
37
Heraclitus

Heraclitus

It would not be better

It would not be better if things happened to men just as they wish.
64
Marcus Valerius Martialis

Marcus Valerius Martialis

Tomorrow's life is too late.

Tomorrow's life is too late. Live today.
40
Heraclitus

Heraclitus

There is nothing permanent except

There is nothing permanent except change.
78
Jack Handey

Jack Handey

One thing about my Aunt

One thing about my Aunt Nadie She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
38
David Joseph Schwartz

David Joseph Schwartz

To fight fear, act. To

To fight fear, act. To increase fear--wait, put off postpone.
46
Heraclitus

Heraclitus

Immortal mortals, mortal immortals, one

Immortal mortals, mortal immortals, one living the others death and dying the others life.
67
Heraclitus

Heraclitus

Character is our destiny.

Character is our destiny.
88
Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
16