Ambrose Bierce

Year, n . A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

Ultimatum, n . In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.

Truthful, adj . Dumb and illiterate.

Telescope, n . A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.

Telephone, n . An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Selfish, adj . Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Self-esteem, n . An erroneous appraisement.

Self-evident, adj . Evident to one’s self and to nobody else.

Robber, n . A candid man of affairs.

Scriptures, n . The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Resolute, adj . Obstinate in a course that we approve.

Revolution, n . In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch.

Resident, adj . Unable to leave.

Recount, n . In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded.

Rash, adj . Insensible to the value of our advice.

Really, adv . Apparently.

Public, n . The negligible factor in problems of legislation.

Prophecy, n . The art and practice of selling one’s credibility for future delivery.

Prevaricator, n . A liar in the caterpillar state.

Projectile, n . The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply—the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion.

Pretty, adj . Vain, conceited, as “a pretty girl.” Tiresome, as “a pretty picture.”

President, n . The leading figure in a small group of men of whom—and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

Present, n . Something given in expectation of something better. To-day’s payment for tomorrow’s service.

Present, n . That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

Preference, n . A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.

Predict, v.t . To relate an event that has not occurred, is not occurring, and will not occur.

Politician, n . An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.

Polite, adj . Skilled in the art and practice of dissimulation.

Plebiscite, n . A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.

Plutocracy, n . A republican form of government deriving its powers from the conceit of the governed—in thinking they govern.

Please, v . To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.

Platonic, adj . . . . Platonic Love is a fool’s name for the affection between a disability and a frost.

Plan, v.t . To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.

Plagiarize, v . To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.

Pillage, v . To carry on business candidly.

To think the God of Swine has snouts and bristles.